Sunday, December 2, 2007
Thinking - thinking, thinking, thinking. - 3:51 PM
Over the past two or three weeks, I've come to realise what I want. This is mainly due to my endless thinking - thinking, thinking, thinking - and consulting friends. But thinking played a huge part.
I know that I'm not actually ready to commit to any relationship, so I guess that's why I feel so much better now. I'm content with my life, but perhaps I've taken a step back, because it seems all I want now is to have fun. I do, however, also know that even if I'm having fun, I won't be able to completely let go, because liking someone means holding back. And I guess that's the downside. Or perhaps I need to experience 'life' and recognise that holding back is what members of 'couples' do. And that I'm not part of.
It's quite funny, because when I say "it's complicated" I actually mean it. It's sort of like hopping off the fence, hopping on again, hopping off again and ending up at the beginning - on the fence again. I've come to accept that Uni will mean meeting new people and meeting new people I think I'll enjoy.
There's also realising how 'picky' I am. How do I describe the extent? I really can't. First impressions matter so much and if you don't admit this you are obviously lying to yourself. When I'm driving along the streets or walking along the roads my brain's automatically ticking the boxes: hot, not, hot, HOT, gross and whatnot. What is this, seriously? I'm not denying the enjoyment though, it's definitely fun.
But intelligence matters, because I'm not living with just eye-candy for the rest of my life.
The exercise is fun, I tells ya. There's nothing else to it. (note the denial)
I really don't feel like recounting my past few weeks in depth. The formal was fun - I shared my last dance and a couple of slow dances with Nhi. The sleepover was crazy - only got one hour sleep and was totally dead the next day. Gold Coast was awesome - theme parks were really fun (special mention to the Superman Ride) and the Main Beach was nice, but now I'm blacker than a Milo bar. Come to think of it the Formal, Sleepover and the flight to the Gold Coast occurred in a matter of 2 days and 2 nights. Explains my constant fatigue.
And returning to eye-candy - heaps of it in the Gold Coast. LOL
Lust - it's a sin. But hey, I managed to stay out of naughty fun and had only 'innocent' fun. Plus, it was during Schoolies - it's a rarity I tell you.
I've also missed Sydney a lot and I also hate not being 18. Yeah random, but I really hate not being 18. 7 months, only 7 more months. 6 months for daughter Emily (God forbid I remembered the wrong birthday). And I'll have to spend 1 month being 17 (alone) when all my friends are 18. I can picture it already. LOL I'm getting melodramatic - I'm sure I'll survive. Plus I love my friends, I'm sure they won't neglect me... (seeking reassurance) hahahah.
I think I'm going in circles. Sometimes I think how much easier it would be to have fun if I could actually get smashed within a few drinks and as a result completely let go. Or maybe we all just need something with a lot more bite, much higher alcohol concentration - of course, not enough to kill. I'm not stupid.
A message to my resident fish: We LURRRVE you. Don't worry about anything. =)
Time will heal, that's the beauty with ageing. LOL
I haven't seen you since James's party, I promise we'll catch up very soon.
Or maybe me and jam can just crash your house. The weather's awfully shitty in Sydney this week.
For those of you who are extremely interested in my trip to the Gold Coast, I'll upload some photos soon. Webshots is taking up my download.