Live a Life of Freedom

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Monday, February 18, 2008

I can tell myself that I don't need anyone, but that would be a lie. It's been a while since I felt like I could completely open up to someone. I find myself hiding in a shell again and I can't find someone I can connect with on an emotional level. I don't know who to talk to about the things that have been on my mind lately - so blog, as pathetic as this is, you'll have to do.

For the first time in my life I feel like I can't catch up to the pace of life. Everyone seems to be experiencing something new every hour, every day, every week. It feels like I'm trapped in a time continuum experiencing the same ol' same ol' every single second of my life. It hurts to know that I'm not growing as a person - that the progress is stagnant. I find that day by day, I envy the people around me more and more. As childish as this seems, I actually feel like I'm missing out on the many aspects of life. It's come to a point where I think I want to make foolish mistakes just to get the chance to look back on them and realise how stupid I was. I don't know how to make foolish mistakes or perhaps I can't bring myself to make those mistakes. I was never rebellious, I've always done my parents and myself proud. I've always been the mummy's boy and being foolish isn't in my nature. Yet, this doesn't shine through. Just like the media, there's little interest in the good, the major focus is on the bad, the tragedies, the tragics. No, I'm not a sleaze, I'm not a jerk, but does this make me any less appealing? Does it come to a point where I have to do something insane to be noticed or am I just thinking too far below the surface? Does it make a difference? I always imagined what it would be like if I changed, started afresh as someone I'm not, just to be noticed, but at the end of the day I don't think I want to change for this to happen. Clearly I'm not perfect and I've waited so damn long for someone to fully appreciate me for who I am, someone who completely understands me. Sure along the road, I thought I found one or two people who did, but how long does this connection really last? A few weeks? A few months? A year at most. That's what really hurts. When I thought there was a connection on that emotional level I was kidding myself, because if it did exist I wouldn't be here confessing to my blog. I have perhaps experienced this aspect of life the most: the let-down. And that belief about karma coming back 7 times round is total bullshit, because I'm living proof.

I ask myself constantly, when did I dig myself into this hole? And to be truthful, I really don't know. Maybe the course of life is predetermined. I tried really hard not to dwell on these issues and it's pretty convenient that Uni is just around the corner - a time to start afresh. But my friend brought me back down to Earth. It is easy to fall into the trap of transforming yourself into someone you're not because it does feel like a new beginning. But what really is the point? You're still the same person you were in high school. I can hope that things don't play out the same way that they did in high school and hope that Uni will play out a different course. Does it come to the point where I have to make a perfect first impression even if it does mean I have to pretend to be someone I'm not?

I'm really proud of the person I am today, but I'm not happy - not enough anyway. To be honest, I do feel alone, I do feel like I'm being stared at by judgmental eyes. The last thing I want is for someone to read this and feel sorry for me. I don't want to evoke sympathy or pity.

Sometimes I really do want to talk to people about some of these things. Maybe I'm just too insecure, maybe I just don't know how to trust people completely.

You know what? I actually do feel a whole lot better now. Thanks.